Almost Mine Page 12

  Successfully and discreetly navigating my way through, I knelt in front of my grandmother’s headstone, removing the wilted roses from Ma Lily’s plot and replaced them with new blooms from my dad’s garden.

  ‘They smell beautiful this year, Ma.’ I carefully arranged them. ‘Dad’s finally trying some new species. He’s quietly proud of himself,’ I added with a smile.

  I sat facing the headstone with my legs crossed over, my hands resting in my lap. The words that usually flowed easily to my Ma Lily seemed to be stuck in my throat. If I was to speak them aloud, to forward the information on, it would give the words merit. But it was my ma, and no matter how hard I tried to hold them back, the words come tumbling out anyway. I told her everything.

  I told her about Nick and Roy and how having thought I’d made the right choice back then seemed wrong now; that right now I thought that choosing Nick had been the biggest mistake that I could have made and then instantly, guiltily, retracted the words because they were not at all what I was holding true. Obviously I was so completely beside myself with guilt that I was not thinking clearly.

  I cried to my grandmother the tears that I would only allow to fall within such privacy as this. Within the safe bubble where only a grandmother and granddaughter are welcome because, honestly, right now no one else could possibly understand the pain behind them.

  As I wept into my hands, a warm breeze swept around me, lifting my hair gently and caressing my wet face like the calming finger tips that I remembered.

  ‘Ma Lily?’ I whispered into the air.

  ‘My sweet girl,’ I conjured my grandmother’s soothingly whispered voice just like I did almost every time I visited. ‘My sensible sweet girl, with a heart always too confused to see the light.’

  I sobbed as my body shook and tears fell down my cold cheeks. ‘I miss you so much. I need you.’

  ‘Be brave, my baby girl. The love that you want is not the love that you need. You’ll never be truly free until you define the difference.’

  What does that mean?

  Confusion plagued me. Did I still want a baby? Did I still want Nick and this newly discovered love for him? Did I want something else completely? I didn’t know anymore. I thought good and hard, focussing my concentration on the only thing that I had always wanted from my life. Nothing is more quintessential than the love of a mother and a child. Did I need to sacrifice Nick to have it just like I sacrificed Roy?

  I sat confounded, as if new light of perspective had been shed.

  ‘As always, Ma Lily, you’ve given me a lot to muse over.’ I stood from the wet, grassy ground. ‘I love you…oh and about Dad...I’m sorry, it’s still too hard for him to visit.’ I picked up the wilting roses, left the cemetery and headed home.

  It was clear that work had begun at the winery as Nick’s employees were running around like flies with blue arses, or something like that anyway, as they did their best to keep up with whatever was required from them; picking, stacking, hosing and whatever else Nick asked of them.

  Nick wasn’t kidding when he said that he didn’t have time for a break. Sure, I did the books and it was obvious that contracted orders were picking up at warp speed, but to see the sweat pour from these men on a less-than-five-degree morning was sign enough that more employees were needed ASAP.

  ‘Good morning,’ I greeted them as I walked past the tall stacks of crates.

  ‘Mrs Mathieson,’ they greeted me in unison without missing a beat, continuing to heave and sweat the morning away.

  ‘Where’s Nick?’ I asked as I craned my head around the yard. ‘Not slacking off is he?’ I laughed at such an absurd notion.

  ‘Interviewing,’ one of them told me.

  I looked toward the veranda and there he was with a tall broad-shouldered man giving a hearty hand-pump. I made my way up to the house and greeted them as they descended the stairs. I smiled as I took my wifely place by Nick’s side.

  Nick made the introductions. ‘Blake Hastings, this is my wife. Cate, Blake Hastings.’

  ‘Your wife?’ Blake’s expression faltered slightly as if hopes of something had been dashed. He held out his hand and I shook it. ‘I’m pleased to meet you.’

  ‘Likewise,’ I said to him, and then to Nick I added, ‘I’m heading inside. The boys look ready for some morning tea. I’ll bring it out.’

  ‘Would you like to stay and get to know everyone, Blake?’ Nick asked.

  His hopes seemed to have been redeemed as his eyes brightened. ‘I can stick around for a bit I guess.’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘I’ll make some extras. Nice to meet you, Blake,’ I said as I ascended the stairs.

  Nick joined me in the kitchen a few minutes later and surprised me when he began helping with the toasted sandwiches. This was my domain during the day, the outside was his, and to have him flipping ham and cheese toasties as I squeezed my home made orange juice made me feel a little crowded. My best thinking was done while I was preparing food. And today I needed the alone time more than I had done before.

  We worked quietly and efficiently side-by-side as morning tea came together and we plated up the perfectly grilled toasted sandwiches. I headed out, taking with me the serving platter piled high for hungry stomachs.

  ‘How’s Lily this morning?’ Nick asked plaintively as he followed me around the breakfast bar, leading to the side door. I turned to face him and attempted to blink away the tears that instantly stung my eyes, but to resist the sadness behind them seemed futile. If only I’d had more time to mourn in private. I lifted my face and took a deep breath, fractionally lulling my heart-break.

  I said jokingly, ‘Are you having me followed?’

  ‘I’d do it myself, but I really don’t have the time,’ he grinned.

  ‘Of course.’ I moved the few steps to the door, but stopped when he didn’t follow. ‘Was there something else?’ I said without turning.

  ‘You didn’t answer my question.’

  I sighed impatiently. ‘What question, Nick?’

  ‘Lily.’

  ‘It was quiet, as usual. Just what I needed; now, can we go?’

  ‘I’m glad, angel. And I’m glad that you came home,’ he added.

  I was constantly astounded by his ability to read me. He knew me like the back of his hand; every single line and imperfection. ‘How do you do that? How do you know me so well?’

  ‘Come here.’ Nick came around to stand with me, relieving me of the tray and placing it on the counter. His arms encircled me. ‘We were babies together, children together, teenagers and now adults together. I’ve had time to learn a thing or two about the things that you need.’

  He kissed a tear as it slipped down my face. ‘Here I was thinking that I’m all complex and mysterious,’ I said.

  ‘You may come across like that to other people, but not to me, my heavenly angel.’

  The sentiment had me melting me in his arms. ‘You think you’re all broody and serious, but I know about you too, Nick.’

  He chuckled, obviously proud if himself for lightening my sombre mood. ‘There’s nothing remarkable about the fact that women can understand men. Sex and food is all you need to know about the male species,’ he informed me as he grasped my bottom and pulled me against him. He then plucked a sandwich half from my plate. ‘Sex and food.’ He took a hungry, devouring bite.

  ‘In that case, let’s get this food out before they get soggy. Don’t want cranky employees, do we?’

  His playful mood sobered slightly. ‘I hope you’re not planning on fulfilling the sex bit.’

  ‘Yep. All of them are getting the full service today.’ I pushed myself onto my tip toes and kissed his cheek.

  He stared down at me, unsmiling.

  ‘It was a joke, Nicholas.’

  ‘It’s not funny.’

  I rolled my eyes at him and reached for my tray. His arms loosened but didn’t release me completely. ‘Come on. Let’s get these out.’

  He pulled me against hi
m and kissed me, hard, devouring my mouth as he did the toasty and though my insides squirmed with pleasure, I cut it short.

  ‘What’s the hurry? I thought we could have a bit of a wife and husbandly moment.’

  ‘Well, you ruined it with your lack of a sense of humour.’

  His expression was as cold as I’d ever seen it. ‘I laugh at jokes. I would not define you sharing yourself with other men as humorous.’

  ‘Note to self,’ I attempted to make light of my innocent attempt to distract from the morning that I’d had, ‘do not make funny the seriousness of situations.’

  He pulled me close again. ‘You’ll do well to remember that.’ He smacked one last kiss on my lips.

  ‘Come on. The sandwiches.’

  ‘Lead the way.’ He followed me as I made my way out. ‘Hey, are you still up for dinner at Mum and Dad’s tonight? We could give it a miss if you want,’ he added. I stopped as I pushed the screen door open, holding it ajar with my foot.

  ‘Do they know?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What about Dad? Does he know?’

  He seemed taken aback by my question. ‘Why would I tell your Dad?’

  ‘I don’t know. Just curious.’

  ‘Nobody knows except us, Cate,’ he assured me. ‘It’s not something that I want to broadcast.’

  I hesitated. It took a certain amount of energy to have dinner with the in-laws. I could barely tolerate business and baby — or lack thereof — talk at the best of times, let alone when my emotions were in turmoil. However, questions would be asked if we cancelled.

  ‘We should still go. If we don’t, your mum will dig and dig until she understands why we’ve all of a sudden rejected her famous mushroom pie. Better keep up appearances.’

  Discussions around the dinner table ranged from the subject of competition from surrounding wineries and how they, as much as they tried, just couldn’t compete — the Mathieson’s wine was second to none and their healthy bottom line proved it — to discussions about the weather and harvesting and new and efficient ways to expand the business.

  Beth and I, for the most part, allowed father and son to have their to and fro as they shared ideas, tonight being no exception. That was until my ears pricked as I absently stirred my chocolate ice cream. Nick began sipping his merlot as he shared some information that I was not aware of up until now.

  ‘So the restaurant would be an extension of that old workshop by the blossoms. It’s really wasted space because we use the new barn for maintenance now. That old shack is quiet and relaxing and definitely big enough to create a kitchen. The extension would be the dining area.’ Nick rested back on his chair as a child-like smile pulled on his lips. ‘Dad, the area at the back of the house would be perfect. It has a beautifully whimsical, homely feel about it, incredibly romantic, too. The blossoms would line the lawn as it sprawls out from the veranda, we could get rid of the wisteria that’s overtaken—’

  ‘No!’ I yelled, dropping my spoon into my melting ice cream, splashing the table cloth with a chocolaty mess. The astounded, staring eyes from the three people surrounding me heated my skin. ‘I’m sorry, but I love that wisteria,’ my voice shook with emotion.

  ‘It’s a menace, Catherine, and it really won’t be missed,’ Albert assured me, ‘most certainly not by me. That weed has given me hell for as long as I can remember. It’s probably to blame for my heart attack.’

  ‘Well, I would miss it,’ I told him.

  ‘Plus, the blossoms are staying so you must be happy with that,’ Beth consoled. I was sure she didn’t mean to patronise, but still.

  ‘Well, that’s something I guess,’ I shrugged as the sarcasm seemingly went unnoticed. I met Nick’s eyes. ‘We can’t eradicate all of the memories. Otherwise it just wouldn’t be the same would it?’

  ‘I would never do that. But the workshop will need a lot of upgrades if it’s to be successful.’ Nick reached for my hand and discreetly I tried to reject it, but the slipping of it onto my lap did not go unnoticed.

  ‘Is everything alright, dear?’ Beth asked quietly and I was sure that she didn’t mean to sound condescending either, yet she did.

  I forced my mouth into a smile and through clenched teeth I managed to form the word, ‘Fine.’

  ‘Do you want to talk in the other room?’ she offered. I shook my head and resumed my stirring. In the mood I was in I’d rather poke pins in my ears.

  ‘I think it’s a wonderful idea,’ Albert kept the conversation going. ‘Imagine the name you could make for yourself, Nicholas. I have to say, your mother and I are very proud of you and your work. You’re building a secure future for yourself and Catherine and just think how well your children would benefit from that kind of upbringing. They would never have to want for anything. Well done, son,’ he said as he gave him a hearty pat on the back, ‘we’re very proud indeed.’

  ‘Oh, speaking of children,’ Beth sprung like a constricted coil being released, excitement oozing from her pores. ‘Angus and Josie are expecting again, just gone three months.’

  Angus was the eldest Mathieson son and lived with his wife, Josie, in Perth. Seven year old Matilda was the first and only grandchild, and now it seemed Angus and Josie were on their way to making Beth explode with pride. ‘The two of you will have to get a wriggle on and give me a grandchild that I can actually see every day.’

  Ok. I’d just reached my limit. Enough was enough.

  ‘Look, I’m sorry but I need to go.’ I stood from the table.

  Beth’s eyes widened with alarm. ‘Cate, what did I say wrong?’

  ‘It’s nothing.’

  ‘Please sit, enjoy the rest of your…ice cream.’ Beth cleared her throat as I eyed the sloppy melted mess. ‘We’ll talk about something else.’

  ‘I think that I’m ready for bed.’ Turning back toward Nick I added, ‘I’m not feeling well.’

  ‘You’re ill?’ Beth grinned. ‘Maybe…’

  ‘Leave it, Beth,’ Albert warned. If he didn’t put an end to her steam-rolling adrenaline, Beth had the capacity to push even the most patient person to breaking point.

  ‘But she could be…’

  ‘No mum,’ Nick interrupted before her predictable excitement ensued.

  ‘Thanks for dinner, Beth. Albert.’ I nodded once before I left room.

  ‘I guess keeping up appearances is not as easy as it seems,’ I said as Nick and I prepared for bed. I was sitting up against the propped-up pillows as I absentmindedly thumbed through a magazine. Nick flicked off the en-suite light and joined me under the covers.

  ‘Is that something that you want to do?’ he asked as he plumped his pillow with his fist. When I didn’t answer, Nick rolled onto his back and let out a deep sigh and covered his eyes with his draped arm. ‘I know it’s impossible, but whatever makes you happy I will do.’

  I dropped the magazine onto the floor beside me and turned off my side lamp. Nick’s arms found their way around me and my head rested on his chest. Even though his breathing seemed calm and steady, his thumping heart beat gave away his worry.

  He kissed my hair and breathed my warm vanilla scent. ‘I love you, angel.’

  ‘I love you too, Nick.’

  I stroked his chest, attempting to calm his heart. After a few moments his breathing slowed to a slumbering pace and I lay awake wondering how he could sleep so easily. My head was racing with possible solutions to this impossible mess and his was filling with lovely dreams. Why was that fair? As I attempted to roll away from him, to distance myself from his blissful slumber, Nick held me in place.

  ‘Is it true?’ he asked into the darkness.

  ‘Is what true?’ I heard him swallow before he continued.

  ‘That you love me?’

  ‘Yes,’ I whispered as I lifted my face to him. I couldn’t make out his expression in the muted light, but judging by his returned thumping heart and the slight tremble of the tips of his fingers as they stroked my back, he was unconvinced. I kissed him. ‘
But you won’t ever believe me. It’s not the easiest thing to comprehend, is it?’

  In one swift motion I was on my back and Nick’s body consumed me. ‘I may believe you,’ he unleashed his hungry lips, ‘or I may not. Perhaps you should convince me.’

  I loved the way he swallowed me up; it was the only place where I truly believed that I belonged. ‘You should probably let me go so that I have a fighting chance.’

  With his lips following his fingertips over my entire body he murmured, ‘Not even if you ask me nicely.’

  ‘I’m sorry I hadn’t mentioned the restaurant to you earlier,’ he apologised as our bodies pulsed to a slow stop afterwards. ‘I only really thought of it a couple of days ago and I guess I just got carried away.’

  ‘Do what makes you happy. But if you touch those blossoms, there will be hell to pay.’

  He chuckled. ‘I wouldn’t dare.’

  We were quiet again as Nick’s heart slowed.

  ‘How can you sleep so easily,’ I whispered to myself when I assumed that he had drifted.

  ‘I don’t sleep any more, just keeping up appearances. I try to relax so that you can.’

  ‘Well, it doesn’t work. It makes me think that you don’t have a care in the world while I lie awake, frantic about our future.’

  ‘As do I.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Every single second of every day since you said “I do.” All I think about is the millions of ways I may be able to make you happy.’