Almost Mine Read online

  I was so confused. How could I figure this out if the only person who had all of the answers was dead? How could I get back any feeling of belonging if the person who stole it from me had buried it with her?

  The only consolation on the night that I learned the truth was that I had Nick, the only constantly empathetic person in my life. So, on that warm summer night that contrasted the cold storm in my heart, I sat with him, with someone who might actually love me, and drenched my despair with anesthetising wine.

  It hadn’t been planned, but after sitting on the porch of the work shed down at his family’s winery, Nick had kept me comforted and consoled as I cried drunkenly onto his shoulder. One thing had led to another and I had placed my bottle of Merlot — filched from the conveniently unlocked cellar — on the top step, leaving it behind as I indulged my hot feet in the cool, sprawling lawn. I gazed up at the huge full moon that seemed close enough to reach up and touch with my fingertips, and, as if mesmerised by it, the moon’s proximity affirming that I was actually part of the world and not a worthless piece of rubbish, I unabashedly removed my fuchsia camisole, slowly followed by my short denim skirt and then... From the corner of my eye, I watched Nick as he gazed at me, awestruck, as my naked body swayed tipsily in the gentle breeze, audibly catching his breath when my last stitch of clothing had been aimlessly abandoned. I began dancing naked in the moonlight as if the ritual would exorcize the deep pain of rejection. Then I had beckoned him with a persuasive finger.

  ‘You’re drunk,’ he concluded as he approached me, shrugging out of his pale blue shirt, leaving him naked from the waist up. He wrapped the shirt around me in an attempt to keep my modesty intact. I remember gaping at his perfect body in absolute bewilderment, and I wondered why I had at all times held him at arms’ length. ‘Come and sit down.’

  I didn’t move. ‘I need this, Nick. Prove to me that I’m lovable.’

  When he finally kissed me it was if my soul was reaching its fingers out to his entire body, magnetically pulling his mouth to mine.

  ‘Please,’ I whimpered when he tried one last time to step away. But his herculean efforts proved futile, just like I hoped they would.

  ‘I love you, Cate Alexander,’ he murmured, and as soon as the words left his lips I took advantage of his closeness and pressed my lips against his soft, warm mouth. I couldn’t believe he’d finally admitted it; to come out and actually vocalise his feelings for me after keeping them protectively voiceless for so long. His mouth moulded perfectly against mine as he used such an intimate act to articulate the way he felt.

  He’d made love to me that night with reckless, unprepared passion, throwing caution to the wind. He laid me down in the plush green grass underneath the blossoms as we both gifted our first sexual experiences to each other. He was gentle and considerate, holding himself on his forearms above me, softly crooning my name and gazing with breathtaking reverence into my eyes. I believed every word that he said.

  ‘Have I taken advantage of you?’ He was mortified when I cried afterwards.

  ‘No.’ I pressed my salty, tear-stained mouth to his. ‘I’m crying because I’ve never felt anything like that before. I’m crying because you’ve given me hope.’

  Nick was the only one that I could count on for even the smallest, seemingly insignificant things. He was kind, considerate, and within the lifetime that I’d known him, I’d learned that he was the most trustworthy, secure person that I would ever know. He was tall, dark, and handsome, not unlike in the fairy tales that I’d given up reading as a child. He was a real life Prince Charming, and my heart couldn’t help but to flip flop on occasions when he’d have the courage to smile or wink at me. And patience, well, Nick’s ability to wait his turn was nothing short of remarkable. Maybe it had something to do with being the youngest of five brothers; he really had no other choice in the matter. He truly was perfect. I could never say enough good things about him, which only compounded my confusion as I realised that it was me taking advantage of him and not the other way around.

  But then Roy Ellis came along, and because the thought of being with Nick scared the shit out of me, I opted to spend my time with someone who would break my heart but would do so with obvious predictability.

  He was useless. Well, not entirely useless, but when it came down to the all-important, can’t-live-without necessities, requirements, or whatever you want call the relationship deal-breakers — he was useless. He was always late. It was only a small thing, but it maddened me no end, and, if he did shock me with punctuality, he’d be either drunk or high. He was a great deal older than me, by that I mean mid-twenties, so he had earned the prerogative to make his own choices, even if they disregarded anything that may involve me.

  Though he wasn’t my only option, I found myself clinging to him like wet moss to a tree. Roy, with mysterious dark eyes, leather jacket and stick-it-to-the-world tattoos, distracted me from the adolescent life that I refused to remember. He was a dangerous contrast to the sheltered life that I was idling within, to the fluffy, reassuring, suffocating-though-well-intentioned families that I was stifled by within this cold mountain town. He was my only sanctuary from teenage angst that was too overwhelming to deal with on my own and I appreciated him beyond words for drawing me away from myself. I was especially appreciative that he’d noticed plain old me amongst every other girl around town that threw themselves at him.

  I knew that Nick had been in love with me since we had played together in my shady overgrown cottage garden, or, as we grew, had lazed shoulder to shoulder against the pink blossoms, daydreaming at the winery…or maybe I had concocted a cruel fantasy that somebody as amazing as Nick could love somebody as disposable as me. At least then I’d have something to fall back on. That fanciful notion was worth clinging on to while I messed up the rest of my life with Roy, who wanted what he wanted and would go for it at any cost, sometimes at the expense of my wilting self-esteem.

  So even though I knew that Nick was the sensible choice, I convinced myself that Roy Ellis was actually the one for me. He was fun and adventurous. He never tired of exploring his surroundings, and never said no to a good party. I had never experienced the kind of social life that Roy had introduced me to, and as a teenager with a quietly drunken and grieving single Dad, I was grateful for the distraction. I was grateful not only to him, but to the little white pills that he provided. Teamed together, they abetted my escape from a world that didn’t consist of crying into my pillow each night as I begged for sleep to take me to some place better than this.

  Roy had barely been in town two seconds when he’d made more friends than I had made in the seventeen years that I had lived in Shady Valley. It had really only been Nick, his friend, Lucy, and me, behaving the way that was expected of us; being sensible and responsible was how the three of us lived and learned. But with Roy I had popularity, albeit shallow, and, what I thought at the time, real fun and a real life.

  I always assumed that Shady Valley was a serene, humble little town hours from anywhere that resembled a night life, but I came to realise very quickly that there was a huge underground party scene that was kept well hidden. If you weren’t into partying, you wouldn’t even know that it existed, which is why, up until Roy blew into town like a whirlwind, I spent my nights watching the latest DVD releases or having sleep-overs with Nick and Lucy, playing board games followed by actual sleeping, if you can believe it. No spin-the-bottle, no drinking games, no nuddy runs in the snow. It never occurred to us to sneak out to find the nearest party hot spot because such a thing simply didn’t exist.

  Roy exposed me to a new world, and once he was soaked into my life, I never wanted him drained from it. Until, after the better half of a year of being his girlfriend he regularly expunged himself. Out of self-preserving desperation and because gluttony was a deadly sin that I possessed, I always allowed him to come crawling back — or did he let me come back?

  But as I fell heavily from the drug-induced highs, and after his idea
of a fun night escalated from relatively innocent house parties to crashing parties and initiating fights with anybody and everybody, including me, my tolerance waned and bitter reality dawned on me like a blinding ray of light.

  One Sunday morning when I was barely eighteen, after I’d come to on the back lawn of my Dad’s cottage wearing only a short skirt and a hot pink, lacy bra, snippets of the self-harming scene of the night before had throbbed in my aching head.

  I barely remembered a house tucked in the back end of town, loud dance music, pill-popping and a pole in the middle of the room...then all I could remember was Roy taking me by the hand and leading me to a back bedroom where a friend of his was inhaling smoke from a long glass apparatus that I’d never seen before.

  ‘You want some?’ Roy asked me. ‘It’ll take the edge off.’

  His words were sweetness to my ears. He always knew the right things to say.

  I’d sat with the two men and continued wasting my life away. But who cared, I didn’t feel the pain, and that was the point, wasn’t it?

  ‘Do you want to kiss him?’ Roy had asked through a cloud of smoke.

  I coughed and spluttered at the unexpected question. ‘Who? Martin?’

  He’d nodded.

  Why not?

  And so I did. I kissed Martin, and tasted his sour-with-a hint-of sweet-mouth, and then I kissed Roy, who tasted no different…or perhaps it was my own mouth that had tasted sickly.

  Before I knew what I was doing — or more to the point was too inebriated and just didn’t care what I was doing — I slipped my underwear to my ankles and let Roy and then Martin have their experienced, adult way with me.

  In the light of day, I always knew that my behaviour was horridly unacceptable, but back then I was beyond caring about anything, because in those hazy moments I would forget the one thing that would otherwise have consumed my brain. Here I was with not one, but two adult men who had their pick of any girl but wanted to spend the night only touching me. What more could I want?

  I didn’t know how I got to the freezing, wet-with-mist lawn with half of my clothes missing. I could recall some things that happened in that back bedroom, but not when it ended or how I managed to get myself home. My brain was still affected by traces of whatever I’d taken and I stared with heavy eyes down at my shivering, grotty hands…and I began to drift.

  My head snapped up and my eyes darted to the back door when the toilet flushed from inside my Dad’s cottage, followed by the closing of a door.

  Oh God, I mouthed as I looked down and caught sight of my despicable half-naked self. I knew that my Dad would be out for a cigarette any second.

  Fuck.

  ‘Cate.’ A whispered voice gained my attention. Nick slipped through the gate concealed by lilacs and he held out his hand to me. ‘Hurry.’

  I took hold of it and he pulled me up, ushering me through the gate with a stabilising arm around my bare waist. He closed the gate behind us just as my Dad stretched the screen door open.

  Nick led me to the back of the garden and helped me up the few rungs of a ladder made of old fence palings and into his cubby house that we hadn’t been in since we were twelve.

  ‘Wait here,’ he told me once he was satisfied that I was seated as comfortably as I could be on a cold wooden floor.

  Alone in a space that I’d spent countless afternoons playing within, my eyes travelled around the cubby as I waited for Nick to return. My attention became transfixed by a dusty pile of comics. Life was so completely messed up now. How great would it be if we could go back to dress-ups and role playing instead of actually having to play a real life role?

  After a few minutes Nick returned and handed me one of his hoodies — that was several sizes too big for me — and a woollen blanket that I recognised from the many times I’d sat on his bed while we’d talked and snacked and played silly fun games together. I felt the warmth of his sleep as I wrapped it around myself.

  I noted his sweat pants and the thin sheen of sweat over his skin.

  ‘Did you enjoy your run this morning?’ I asked.

  ‘Helps clear the head,’ he grinned as he sat with me. He truly was adorable. He eyed my grubby, blood-scraped feet. ‘They must hurt.’

  I looked down at them and blushed. ‘I lost my shoes.’

  An awkward beat passed.

  ‘Did Ellis bring you home?’

  I lifted my eyes from my feet and gave Nick a long, abashed look. I shrugged slowly.

  ‘He doesn’t take very good care of you.’

  My shoulders lifted and fell again. ‘It was the anniversary of my mother’s death yesterday.’

  ‘Is that your excuse?’ he said almost inaudibly.

  ‘Are you mad at me?’ I said defensively and somewhat taken aback by his question, however accurate it was. He said nothing. ‘Because if that’s the case, I’d rather get an earful of my Dad’s disappointment than yours.’

  I shoved the blanket from my shoulders and moved to stand, despite the fact that I was instantly freezing again and didn’t want to leave my best friend’s warm haven. The immense relief I felt when Nick reached his hand out to stop me kept me sitting in place.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said and meant it. ‘Can I rephrase?’

  I resettled myself, replacing the warm blanket around my shoulders. ‘Go ahead.’

  ‘Do you feel any differently about her this year?’

  I shook my head. ‘No. I still hate her.’

  ‘How’s your Dad?’

  My words came out as if they tasted as bitter as the bile that threatened to rise at any minute. ‘He still loves her.’

  ‘Sometimes we have no choice in the matter, do we? Do you remember the night that you found out that she had died?’

  I swallowed hard as the memories circled in my head.

  ‘As much as I want to forget that night, there are parts that I will gladly remember forever,’ I said as I pulled Nick’s blanket snug around me. Despite the fact that my face flamed in memory of Nick’s naked body, I was still shivering. ‘And I’m so sorry for what I did to you. I’m sorry that Roy came to town and that I made you think that what we did meant nothing to me. I’m sorry that I am the person that I am and that I treated you in no way that you deserved. I’m just…’ I stopped because my lips were cold and trembling and I couldn’t get the words out. Nick pulled me into the crook of his arm.

  ‘You know, your life won’t always be like this. One day, you’ll see yourself for the beautiful, graceful and exquisite person that you are; the way that everyone else sees you. Well, almost everyone else,’ he amended.

  I snapped my head up to see him through my wet eyes, my brows knitted in defence. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘I’m just saying that some people don’t appreciate you for who you are, and that disappoints me more than you can imagine. You deserve to be free.’

  ‘I am free. Besides, it’s not as if anybody cares enough to stop me, you know, if anyone thinks that I’m harming myself in some way, you’d think that that someone would try and help me.’

  Nick laughed once.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’re nothing if not oblivious.’

  I peered up at him. ‘You still love me, don’t you?’

  ‘I try not to be, but I’m nothing if not obvious.’

  I looked down at my dishevelled self. ‘I bet you wish that you didn’t?’

  He swallowed hard. ‘Honestly, sometimes, yes. But it will always remain true.’

  ‘I wish I had enough sense…bravery…’

  ‘It’s fine, I’m fine. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t ever. Who knows what’s around the corner for the two of us; together or apart, as friends or as something else? Maybe after school finishes in a few months we won’t even keep in touch.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I said, knowing that any scenario that involved us being apart, at any level, would never, ever happen. We held each other’s gaze as we each t
hought about it; a silent, unspoken understanding resonating between us that we would always be, at the least, friends.

  I shifted closer into Nick’s unmoving hold on me because it felt nice to be in the company of someone who effortlessly made me feel as if I belonged. ‘So I won’t always feel like there’s a black hole waiting to swallow me up?’

  He held me tighter, if that were possible, and when he spoke his voice was heavily sombre. ‘It’s already swallowing you, Cate.’

  A few quiet moments passed as we listened to my Dad in the yard next door. Finally, he stretched the screen door open and went back inside, telling me that it was safe for me to safely leave if I wanted to. By now, my Dad would have replanted himself in the lounge chair watching Sunday morning news, so, if I really wanted to, I could easily sneak in unnoticed. But I fit so perfectly into the crook of Nick’s arm and when I was in his presence, and he could feel my imminent departure, he would just about do or say anything to keep me close. And I would gratefully indulge him.

  ‘You can tell me whatever you want to about him, about what you’re going through. I want to help you,’ he said.

  I laughed. ‘You’re nothing if not exceedingly generous.’

  He shrugged. ‘You’re my best friend. Tell me anything.’

  So I told him. I rambled for the next hour about Roy and how impossible it would be to steer him in my direction, rather than his downward spiral. I told him that I knew that I was losing the will to fight for him any longer, and that lately I remembered the limited plans that I’d had for my life that I’d had forgotten since Roy had come to town…but I didn’t tell Nick everything. There were some things that I’d never tell another living soul. No matter how much I trusted them.